For the longest time I thought of my love for food and eating in general as a shameful and faulty character trait. I would compare myself to thin and graceful girls who’d have very little interest in food, those who can take a bite of apple and put it down for 15 min before taking another one… those who’s be drinking tea all day long with a little cracker or a cookie and wouldn’t obsess about their next meal. Those women to whom food is unimportant. I thought something was wrong with me and my desire to eat, and I needed to eradicate it, change who I was, and so my eating disorders lived on and thrived, my love-hate relationship with food was getting fueled by my own disapproval of myself.
The more I tried to get rid of love for food, the more obsessed I would become. The more I restricted eating, the more I wanted to eat – a vicious cycle of agony, self-hate and strong believe that I wasn’t normal.
It took a lot of work, therapy and self-education to learn to accept and appreciate myself and my likes and desires and “faulty” character traits. And I also learned that I will never fully do so – it will always be work in progress, getting just a little better with practice. I will never unlearn what I know, I can’t erase the memories of my disordered eating – and this is normal! There won’t be any miraculous curing without any comebacks. And this is just as normal. As long as I strive to get better and accept myself more – that’s the progress I want to see and that’s the goal I set for myself.
I used to get anxious and fearful of eating, I love food but it was also my enemy – “what if I don’t stop when I’m full? What is I overeat? What if I eat the wrong (not diet approved) food? What if I gain weight?”
That was my usual train of though before I started legalizing my love affair with food. (Although I have to confess that these thoughts still visit me from time to time, and I’m ok with it – it’s part of the process. My scars still hurt sometimes.) Once I started taking the “hate” out of my relationship with food, allowing myself to eat what I wanted and when I wanted, using this strategy as a component of self-care and self-love, my obsession started to fizzle out. I think of food as a nourishing and healing partner, who I will be spending my life with, and I better show him some love and accept his love without hesitation – that’s the trick of happy relationships, isn’t it?! Why would I subject myself to everyday miserly, when I can just change the way I look at food?!
Here’s my proclamation and love confession: I love you, food! You give me nourishment, pleasure, energy and wonderful social time with my loved ones. I promise I will do my best to always love and appreciate you, and will try to help others who struggle with their relationships with food do the same.
#weightloss #diet #eat #lovetoeat #selfcare #psychologyofeating #disorderedeating #eatingdisorders